The RobBlog: Excuses

I just realized how long it’s been since I posted to the ROBBBLOG. It’s been a loooong time. How long? Let’s put it this way: if you were born on the day I uploaded the last post to this blog, today you’ve graduated college, got married, worked a long and exciting career as a door-to-door door salesperson, brought up four lovely children and welcomed 13 grandchildren into the world.

Okay, maybe it hasn’t been quite that long. But it’s been too long. And that’s all that matters.

I understand this must be terribly disappointing to my legions of adoring fansmy hundreds of followersmy scores of devotees… my family… uh, fine… no one at all. Whatever. The point is, I feel like I should have been blogging more frequently. And I feel bad about it. Which is why I’m doing what anyone in my shoes would do:

MAKING EXCUSES

So, without further ado, here are the top five reasons I haven’t been blogging lately.

5) My fingers were temporarily turned into pickles after I stole some evil witch’s parking spot outside Target. If you’ve ever had this happen to you, you’ll know how tough it is to type with pickle fingers.

4) My dog ate my laptop and I had to wait until it made its way through his digestive system and ended up in a steaming pile on the living room rug. Then I had to send it away to Davenport, Iowa, where a company that specializes in refurbishing laptops that have been eaten by dogs is located. They had a long waiting list.

3) I’m working on finally winning that Nobel Prize in Medicine. You see, I’ve been super busy trying to find a cure for this hole people seem to have in the middle of their bellies. The technical term for this is a “Belly Button,” and it afflicts billions of people worldwide. I came up with what I believed was an award-winning solution to the problem, which involves applying a thick paste consisting of cream cheese and rubber cement to the affected area 16 times a day. But those Nobel jerks ended up awarding their stupid prize to some doctor who’s working on a cancer cure. Typical.

2) I was abducted by aliens who vacuumed me up into their flying saucer using a long plastic tube. Once on board, these fiendish aliens subjected me to all kinds of horrific experiments. Like encasing my hands and feet in large blocks of lime Jello and making me tap dance to cheesy show tunes. And draping long stands of spaghetti over my head and forcing me to pretend I was being held prisoner in a tall tower. Okay, that last one was kind of fun. But it still took away from my blogging time.

1) I went back in time to a horrible pre-internet era — 1985. Determined to return to my own time, I promptly grew a mullet and wore my shirts with their collars up to keep everyone from learning I was actually a super-advanced visitor from the future. All along, I tried to keep blogging, but without the internet, all I could do was write my thoughts on the side of large potatoes and other root vegetables and plant them in the ground. These “posts” (some of my best ever, I should add) will forever be lost to history. And that’s the greatest tragedy of all.

I think you’ll agree I have some pretty good reasons for my lack of blogginess.

But now I’m back. And bloggier than ever. With no more excuses. And plenty more stuff you may or may not want to read.

See y’all next time!

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